Attack of the Clichéd Plots
by MooseyDoom777
Summary: What could possibly have MarySues, love triangles, crazy children, impulsive romances, and bad grammar? It can only be……The Clichéd Plots.
1. Who let the MarySue in?

**Chapter 1, A.K.A. Who let the Mary-Sue in?**

It was a beautiful day in South Park. Birds were singing, leaves were changing colors, and countless couples were "knocking boots," for it was Valentines Day. Why, even South Park High was caught in the turmoil that is love.

But alas, not everyone was enjoying the WONDERFUL love. For you see, even though Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, Pip, Craig, Tweek, and possibly Butters, were the best looking boys at South Park High, for some reason, they could not find dates. If only someone beautiful, smart, rich, with an extremely idiotic name would enter their dull, unfulfilled lives!

_You'll never guess what's coming_

It is now customary to inform you, the reader, how drop-dead gorgeous the boys are. Stan is now an extremely muscular football player, and every female (and several males) are lusting over him, and his hot, sexy body.

_It is customary to use the word "sexy" as many times as possible. The authoress does not have a very large vocabulary_

Kyle now has shiny, flat hair, and is extremely sexy, in a nerdy, I'm-smarter-than-you way. He is obsessed over studying and very calm, but we all know he's_ deeply_ traumatized because of his over-protective mother and spoiled sibling. We all want to hug him.

Kenny is, of course, a bisexual man-whore sex-God who has slept with the entire population of South Park, every tourist who's ever entered the area, and several animals. But we forgive him, because he's poor and cute.

_The next paragraphs would discuss the adorable, cute, hot-ness of the other boys, but the authoress is lazy and is getting bored with writing descriptions_

All of the boys are in class together, even though it's more than likely, since this is high-school, and Kyle is a genius, they wouldn't have the same class. But we'll just ignore that. Mr. Garrison is teaching, even though that's even more unlikely, but we'll ignore that, too. And…surprise! He makes an announcement.

_The readers are on the edge of their chair, scrolling the mouse down madly. Oh, who could it be? They must know!_

"Children," Mr. Garrison says, "We have a new student today! Her name is…Jewel-Alexa-Mimi-Sandrica-Lina-Bobo-Sasha Casil-Garrison-Slave-Marsh-Broflovski-Cartman-McKormick-Tweak-Smith. The Third. No relation to any of us, otherwise she would be arrested for incest, and we can't have that!" He motioned to a girl outside. "Come on in…uh…"

"Call me Sasha." The girl stepped in, and the class was shocked at her beauty!

_The reader is appalled at the lack of plot. They quietly try to leave, but find the doors locked. They have no choice but to continue reading about the obvious Mary-Sue_

Sasha has GORGEOUS hair, that is perfectly (inserrt sexiest type of hair), and it's the perfect shade of (insert sexiest hair color). Her eyes are like some type of jewel, and she is the perfect height. Her weight is that of a super model, but she isn't anorexic, because she doesn't believe in starving herself, she was just born skinny. She's also wearing designer labels that show off her slim figure and perfect face.

_Readers are quietly vomiting in the corner_

She smiled, showing off sparkling white teeth. The class sighed dreamily in unison. She walked to an empty chair, conveniently placed in the center of the class. Now everyone can admire her beauty!

Even though she had only been there less than five minutes, she had successfully converted gay guys straight, straight girls gay, and straight guys into worshippers of her…amazingness.

_The authoress is running out of synonyms for "beauty"_

"Even though the school is small, you'll probably need someone to show you around," Mr. Garrison told Sasha. "So I would like Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny to be your escorts."

The foursome smiled dreamily, and hearts were in their eyes. This was the best Valentines Day ever!

Class passed by extremely fast, and soon it was lunch time. The boys politely invited Sasha to sit with them, and she agreed, in a totally platonic way. No one in the cafeteria would eat, for fear of missing her do something cute and adorable. But her attention was focused on the boys. She could see they were trying to ask her something, because she was also psychic and able to read people's thoughts easily.

_Here it is. The inevitable romance_

"Oh Sasha, you're so perfect! Would you be my Valentine date?" Stan asked, his big blue eyes wide with hopefulness. Before she could answer, Cartman spoke up.

"No! You must be my date! Your kindness has caused me to see the error of my ways! I want to be a good person from now on!" Kenny grabbed her hand and started to speak.

"Even though we've just met, I think I love you. No, I know it! I'm a changed man because of you! I will never go to orgies or give random guys blow-jobs ever again! Marry me!"

Kyle elbowed him out of the way and began his speech. "Please come with me, Sasha! We're perfect for each other! You're smart and sexy, I'm smart and sexy! C'mon!"

Even though they had been friends most of their lives, the boys suddenly started arguing amongst each other. After all, Sasha was much more important than a life-long friendship! Do I need to explain the hair again?

_The major OOC-ness has caused many readers to loose consciousness_

Since Sasha was so against violence, she quickly thought of a plan. And what a plan it was! Isn't she great?

"You guys," she spoke softly, but in a commanding sort of way, "This is ridiculous. Allow me to explain why."

Several boring paragraphs later…

"…And that's why penguins can't fly!" The entire cafeteria stood up and applauded her brilliance, and she blushed, for she was very modest.

_What? Didn't I say that?_

The boys had stopped their fighting, and they hugged each other, glad that the argument was over. It was totally platonic, because in this chapter, they are not gay. Slash is for later, sillies.

_So Sasha, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and several of the other boys that were not mentioned in the fic at all decided to get "group married" because they all loved her and she couldn't pick one. And it was suddenly legal for sixteen-year-old American's to get married, because she's JUST SO CUTE. They had sixty-nine children (HAHAHA), and she still kept that figure. Damn.

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What do you guys think? Should I continue? If so, please tell me. Oh, and if you have any clichés, please tell me those. I can use them for later chapters. Don't forget to review! Thanks!


	2. Butters goes crazy

AN: Thanks goes out to Bluflash Leela's tears, Mr. Baka, I Cum Blood, Vivi314, Jean19, Ashley Red, and Vcorrigan! I can't believe you guys like it! This on'e kind of short...but I'm trying to update fast! Well, here's chapter 2, so please read, review, and enjoy!

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**Chapter 2, A.K.A. Butters Goes Crazy**

It was a dark, spooky, gloomy, mildly unpleasant night in South Park. Storm clouds rolled overhead, and thunder rumbled in the pitch-black sky. It seemed the weather reflected the emotions of young Leopold "Butters" Scotch.

_Readers roll their eyes at the over-exposed line_

He was running through Starks Pond, trying desperately to dodge the rain. He tripped and stumbled on the ground, for you see, he lost his shoes. Oh, why oh why did he agree to play strip poker with Eric? Those were his favorite shoes! At least he got his shirt back…

He tripped and landed on his face, and a drip of blood fell from his arm. It was scraped!

_Now comes the time when the authoress over-exaggerates his small wound into an angsty monologue_

He screamed in pain. His arm! It was so…painful! Hopefully his parents would comfort him, and understand his _massive wound_ was the reason for his late arrival at home.

_We know that is not true. His parents are mean, heartless creatures who sexually abuse him and force him to sell body parts in the fanfiction world_

He managed to pick himself up and stumbled home, looking forward to his parents presenting him with a cup of hot chocolate, and perhaps have his mother read him a bed-time story, even though he was 16.

As he opened the door, his father was standing there, looking extremely displeased. Behind his father, his mother was on the couch, watching TV.

"Butters, where the Sam Hill were you? You were supposed to be home _three hours _ago."

"B-but Dad, I tripped and fell and acquired this_ gaping wound_ on my arm! See?" He waved his arm in his father's face, to show him how dreadful the scrape actually was.

His father wasn't impressed by his injury (Gasp!) and pointed upstairs. "Butters, you are grounded tomorrow night!"

Butters gasped and his eyes bugged out. "Surely you're joking!" His father glared.

"No more excuses! Go to bed! _Now_!" Butters trudged up the stairs, and glared at his father.

"You'll be sorry," he whispered.

_Readers know Butters is being a Drama Queen, and the authoress is over-reacting, but they continue to read. Surely some logic is up ahead? They have no idea how wrong they are_

Rain started pouring from the sky, and the Blonde boy's frame was illuminated on his bed as lightning flashed. His eyes were open, and he stared at the ceiling, deep in thought.

_The readers all know what is going through his head: Angst. Senseless, pointless angst_

He sat up, and went to his closet, mumbling to himself. "They think they can unjustly punish me? Well, they're wrong! Dead wrong! Bwahahaha!"

_Readers do not laugh at the lame pun. They don't even chuckle_

Butters reached in the far corners of the closet, and pulled out a large boon rifle, three smoke bombs, an AK 47, a switchblade knife, a butcher knife, a sniper gun, and eighteen grenades.

_Readers wonder why they are suddenly in The Moles closet_

Butters somehow manages to drag all of those weapons down the stairs, because we know he secretly works out and is extremely buff and muscular. Then, for absolutely no rational reason, he starts mutilating his parents. You can be sure the next paragraphs would depict the gruesome scene in a way that causes us to be on Butters side, even though he's a heartless killing machine.

After killing his parents, he quickly escaped from the house, but he could have taken his time if he wanted, because we now no one would call the police, even though the murder was quite noisy.

_You can be sure that Butters ran through South Park and killed Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Pip, Clyde, Token, Tweek, Bebe, Mr. Garrison, Chef, Principal Victoria, and everyone's parents. He then became extremely depressed that no one was left in South Park, and he killed himself. South Park then becomes a ghost town, and little children are told stories about its former glory. A Coke-A-Cola factory is built there.

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What did you guys think? I'm thinking of doing the "Pip goes Goth in order to win over Damien" parody next, or maybe the "Kyle and Wendy fight over Stan" one (thanks for that one Jean19) but I might do something else if inspiration strikes. Anyway, please review, even if you just say, "I like it." All ideas are appreciated, too. You have no idea how much I appreciate your reviews! Thanks!


	3. Love Triangle

AN: Thanks goes out to my lovely reviewers: _redhed311, Sofa King Danny, DeadKenny, Skampi, HMG, BlackNeonTears, Lilchicky004, Omusubi_, and _Tsuname_. CHOCOLATE NUM-NUMS FOR ALL MY REVIEWERS!Just so you know, I have nothing against slash. In fact, I enjoy it. /Blushes/ Hehe, yeah. SO NO FLAMES FOR SLASH, KAY? Good.

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**Chapter 3, A.K.A. The Kyle/Stan/Wendy Love Triangle**

One morning, a young Jewish boy woke up with a startling realization.

"I'm gay." He thought for a second. "Yep, I'm definitely gay. And…I'm in love with my best friend WTF!" He loved his best friend? That's impossible!

_Readers knew this was happening. As soon as they saw the word 'slash' in the summary, the knew it was Kyle/Stan. They curse themselves for their stupidity_

After those HIGHLY DISTURBING THOUGHTS, Kyle jumped out of bed and quickly got dressed and went to the kitchen for food, because he is smart and is therefore a morning person.

Several blocks away, Stanley Marsh woke up with a startling realization of his own.

_Readers bang their skulls against the keyboard, wishing for an end to the stupidity_

"I'm gay!" He thought for a second. "Yep, I'm definitely gay. And…I'm in love with my best friend WTF!" He loved his best friend? That's impossible!

_Readers have an odd feeling of déjà vu_

The morning passes quickly, i.e., the authoress cares about nothing except for the hot man/man action that is guaranteed to come and therefore doesn't WRITE about their mornings. Except for the inevitable bus stop scene, of course.

So Stan arrives at the bus stop last, because he is a high school jock and can't tell time. Stan and Kyle constantly glance at each other, and somehow both miss the sexual tension. Kenny can feel the tension, of course, because he's a man-whore who can smell sex ten miles away. Cartman has no idea what's going on because he's fat and stupid, but in a totally hot way, because the boys are sex Gods, remember?

"You are such a faggot," Cartman says. It's his job to come up with witty insults.

"Leave him alone, fatass!" shouts Stan. Kenny smirks knowingly, and Cartman doesn't care. Kyle is shocked at Stan's outburst. Could Stan be…no! What a ridiculous thought! Silly Kyle.

The bus arrives, and suddenly the boys are at school. The bus ride is never mentioned.

Stan goes to his locker, which is conveniently placed next to Kyle's. He opens it up and, shock, everything falls out. So he and Kyle bend down to pick up his things, and their hands touch. They both blush.

_Slash shippers are screaming "Do it! Do it! Do it!" and the other half of the audience decides to flame the poor authoress even though SHE WARNED THEM about the slash_

Wendy inexplicably shows up and ruins the romantic setting.

"Hi Stan! Wanna go ignore Kyle and make-out?" she cries in that voice of hers that has yet to soften even slightly.

'Hmm' thinks Stan, 'If I don't make-out with her, then all of my clearly gay classmates will think I'm fruity! Must snog the bitch!'

He promptly ignores Kyle and starts kissing Wendy, and passing students smile affectionately at the couple. They're so cute together!

_Slash shippers start to cry_

Kyle Feels tears coming to his eyes, and he burst out crying, as he runs away.

_Slash shippers cry harder_

He runs to the boys' room, because that's where everyone goes to cry or screw around.

He picks the stall in the corner, and hides in their, crying for a very long time. Possibly hours. All we know is that Kenny finds him and brings him to the lunch room, so him and Wendy can have a Horrible Argument over Stan.

So Kenny finds Kyle and successfully convinces him to come to lunch. We are never told what exactly Kenny says, but that does not matter.

Once at lunch, Kyle and Wendy begin a staring contest, each one sitting next to Stan.

_Stupid people-Stan is in the middle_

Wendy suspects Kyle has hidden feelings for Stan, because she is smart, and you have to be very smart to figure it out. Unless you're just horny, like Kenny.

"I know you have hidden feelings for my boyfriend, Kyle! But he'll never love you! He loves MEEEEEEE!" cries Wendy. Kyle glares, and starts his own rant.

"You speak LIES! He loves ME, because when Stan and I kiss more people go 'AWW!' We are the hotter couple! So BACK OFF!" Stan continues to eat, and no one notices the cat fight.

"This is gay," states Cartman. He's so witty!

"This is hot," states Kenny. He's so horny!

"Mmpff," states Stan. He's so full of food!

Kyle bitch-slaps Wendy, who cries and tugs on Stan's shirt. "Stan! Tell Kyle he can go be gay somewhere else because you love ME!" Stan looks from Kyle to Wendy, and realizes it's time for his Important Decision.

_Readers know who'll he'll choose. But they continue to read, because secretly, they think it's hot_

He looks at Wendy. "It's not you, it's me." Stan then jumps into Kyle's arms and kisses him full on the mouth.

"I love you! I always have! Wanna screw me?" Kyle beams.

"Of course!" The happy couple then runs off to the Broom Closet (you know the one) and starts to do…stuff…that can't be mentioned because Fanfiction . net doesn't allow NC-17 stuff.

_Readers sigh happily, having their wish for fluff fulfillied. Flamers scream in rage and go read boring, hetero stories_

Wendy, who should be hysterical after finding out that her boyfriend is gay, suddenly realizes her feelings for Cartman, and jumps into his lap.

"FINALLY!" says Cartman, and the two lovebirds happily kiss.

Butters comes out of nowhere and jumps on Kenny. "I LOVE YOU!" he cries. He and Kenny then begin to do…things…on the floor. Isn't young love precious?

_So from then on South Park is completely accepting of homosexuality, and the boys' parents don't mind at all that they'll probably never have grandchildren. Cartman stops being a jerk because of Wendy's love, Stan becomes the best gay football player ever, and Kyle is a lawyer or something. Everyone lives in sweet marital bliss, even though they're only fifteen or sixteen years old.

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It is…finito! Heh, I like this one a lot…I've seen thousands of these. SO, what did you think? Did it make you want to gouge out your eyes with the ANGER you felt at me? Or did you like it? I'd really like to know. Any ideas? SEND THEM TO ME! So review, my lovely…reviewers. Thanks!


	4. Pip the Goth

A/N: Okay, I just wanted to let you guys know that I have no problem with slash, Goths, or preps. Personally, I don't label people like that. And I'm extremely happy that I've gotten so much positive feedback for this! I love all of you, my lovely, sweet reviewers! I would list you guys, but the list is getting so freaking long….really, people like this abomination/Dances/ WOOH! So with that being said, read, review, and enjoy!

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**Chapter 3, A.K.A. Pip Goes Goth in Order to Win Damien's Heart**

Pip Pirrup is currently getting beaten up by one of his peers. It is most likely Craig, because we all know what a mean little bastard he is. Pip didn't struggle against the beating, because he is so used to it and that somehow caused him to not care.

"My hatred for you is senseless and irrational!" yells Craig as he punches the Brit in the face. Bruises cover Pip's face, as his attacker continues the assault. Suddenly, a shawdowy figure appears behind Craig.

The figure is tall, dark, and SEXY. I mean handsome. He flips his short, black hair and Craig passes out, because HE'S JUST THAT DAMN HOT. Pip falls to the ground, and picks himself up, looking into the ruby eyes of…dun dun DUN…Damien Thorn.

_The authoress ignores the fact that Damien left South Park after his father lost the fight to Jesus. She does not care_

Even though he hasn't seen Damien is years, and the one time they hung out Damien turned him into a firework, Pip feels himself falling for the Anti-Christ. Damien stares at the small boy in front of him, and sneers in a totally considerate and caring way. But then he notices how good-looking Pip is…and suddenly decides he wants to screw him.

_If you're thinking that Damien would be straight because he didn't want to end up like his father, you're wrong. That would never happen_

But the two lovebirds notice a problem! Damien is a GAWTH and Pip is a PREP. And as we all know, GAWTHS and PREPS like, never date. DUHHHH! So Damien wanders off, presumably to go do evil, manipulative things…because that's what he does.

Pip sighs at this dreadful situation, because being beaten up buy bullies on a constant basis is the least of his problems. He is then struck with…a Wonderful Idea!

"I've just been struck with a Wonderful Idea! I shall become a "goth" and impress Damien with my angsty emo self! Hip-hip, cheerio hurrah!"

_The authoress adds those words in an attempt to make Pip sound British, but only succeeds in making him sound like a complete moron_

So Pip does the obvious thing; he goes to Hot Topic.

_It is know customary for the authoress to name the things she would like to buy but either can't afford or isn't allowed to have_

He buys a trench coat, Nny-esque boots, a long-sleeved striped t-shirt (black and blue), hair dye, eye shadow, other gothy-makeup, black gloves, tight black pants, and he gets on ear pierced and now has a golden hoop in it. All-in-all, he looks pretty gothed-up.

He also has a TOTAL GAWTHY attitude. The authoress has succeed in turning sweet, lovable Pip into a suicidal, self-mutilating emo. We are supposed to love and adore this new Pip, but instead, we are sickened by his new attitude.

_Pip fans scream in rage and foam at the mouth, and crash the computer screen with a hammer. They then start plotting revenge on the authoress. She is frightened_

As he's leaving the store, the red goth (who receives the goth name "Raven") comes up to him. "Wow, you look just like us! And you're suicidal now! You're _definitely _not a conformist anymore! Wanna go make-out?"

Pip takes a drag from a cigarette he somehow acquired. "No, you guys are total conformists. Fuck off." Pip strolls---I mean…uh…how do emo's walk…unhappily wanders away? I dunno…

ANYWAY, he wanders off and…surprisingly…comes across Damien behind the school, because that's where everything happens. It was only Damien and Pip back there, because Kyle and Wendy don't have their argument over Stan until Thursday and Butters doesn't go on a homicidal rampage until Friday.

_Readers wonder why there are no teachers back there. Surely they have noticed the strange activities?_

Pip suddenly gets nervous, and he edges towards Damien, fidgeting slightly. He has no idea that Damien has lusted over him FOREVER, because that's the kind of person Damien would go for, not someone like Cartman, even though they have more in common.

Then, Damien glances up at the boy that has been staring at him for the past five minutes, and notices how gothy and emo-ish he has become. His jaw drops, and Pip blushes.

_Ready? On three. One, two, three, AWW!_

In a passionate act of…passion….Damien grabs Pip and they kiss deeply. He then promises Pip that this is more than a fling, and he will love him forever and ever, and they give each other cutsie nicknames, which remind all of the readers who have seen "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" of the Satan/Saddam relationship.

"Oh Pip, now that you're a TOTAL GAWTH like me, I want to hug you, kiss you, and perform explicit acts on you. But this fic is "T" so I can't. DAMMIT!" Damien says romantically.

Pip sighs dreamily and messes with Damien's hair in a girly way, because we all know he's the bitch in this relationship. "Oh Damien! I feel so complete when I'm with you! MARRY ME!"

_Readers slap their foreheads_

"WHY THE HELL NOT!" Damien happily replies.

_So he and Pip move to Hell (Because it's_ SO_ much nicer than Earth) and they get married. There might possibly be a sub-plot where they try to take over Earth, but that's only if the authoress can actually come up with something original. Therefore it is not likely.

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So what do you think? Liked? Loved? Hated? Well, just review and tell me! And any suggestions for parodies are appreciated. I'm working on a Kyle/The Mole parody, and a truth or dare one...want to see something else? Then tell me, and I'll be happy to write it! Or at least attempt it...Thank-you!


	5. He's hot and French, remember?

AN: I received a request to write Christophe and Kyle as children, but it's just so much easier to write them as 15 or 16. Sorry, but more people want them as older, not younger. I like how this chapter came out…I don't really understand the Kyle/Christophe pairing, and it was easy to mock. But there are some good fics with this couple, so don't be scared away my my version of it. This one also has some of my favorite lines….yes, well, anyway, please read, review, and enjoy!

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**Chapter 5, A.K.A. Kyle and The Mole Inexplicably Fall in Love**

It's a lovely day in South Park, and we are reminded that as the description of our favorite Jew is told.

He's sitting inside a classroom, leaning on a desk, with his hand holding up his face and an elbow against said desk. He sighs sadly, because it is such a wonderful day and he is cooped up inside a classroom, learning quantum nuclear physics.

_Whenever the weather is nice, someone has to be trapped indoors_

Suddenly Kyle is struck with a Very Interesting Idea. He's never ditched school before, so why not start now? He gets up and the teacher ignores him, giving him the perfect opportunity to leave school.

No one bothers looking for him.

_Readers wonder why no one sees Kyle leaving. Surely someone monitors the hallways?_

So Kyle happily skips away from school, not bothering to have one of his friends come with him. As he's skipping down the street, he passes a tall, freakishly handsome boy smoking.

Kyle pauses, and stares politely at the stranger. He looks strangely familiar…in fact, he's wearing the exact same outfit as The Mole wore the ONE TIME Kyle actually met him.

_Readers wonder why Christophe has yet to go through any physical or behavioral changes_

Kyle remembers The Mole vividly, even though they only met once, many years ago, and he is suddenly as giddy as a school girl. I mean, come on, he's hot, French, and sexy.

_Again with that word. The authoress needs to pay harder attention in Language Arts_

Christophe looks up, and notices the sexy redhead staring at him. His heart turns to jello (You know…all jiggly) as he rests his eyes upon the small Jew. But he must keep up his manly persona, because Kyle is clearly on the bottom in this future relationship.

"What ez your name, boy?" he asks sexily with that sexy, French accent of his.

Kyle blushes. He has never been asked such a personal question before!

"K-kyle Broflovski…." he whispers. "W-what's yours…?"

Christophe looks at Kyle, and, even though he's a mercenary-for-hire, feels comfortable answering him.

"Christophe. But you may call me 'Tophe, if you like."

_Readers wonder why someone as uptight as Christophe would allow themselves to be called by such a ridiculous nickname. Clearly the authoress was trying to make him sound hip, but only succeeded in making him sound like a French slut_

Kyle nods. "Sure…." He is overcome by Christophe's man-beauty.

Out of the blue, Christophe invites Kyle out for a "Dinner but-not-an-actual-date dinner." Kyle accepts, of course, because it's Christophe, and anyone would go out with Christophe. Hot and French, remember?

Suddenly it is night-time and we are in Kyle's room. He is very nervous, and is pacing about. He is wearing a suite, because he wants to impress his future lover.

_Readers wonder why Kyle's mother has not noticed the change in her son. Surely someone as nosey as her would see something has happened?_

The roar of a motorcycle is heard from outside (because Christophe HAS to own a motorcycle) and Kyle rushes down the stairs. But as he reaches for the door, someone taps him on the shoulder. He turns around, and it's…his mother! GASP!

_Readers scream for Kyle to run and don't look back, but he does not listen_

"Kyle," she hisses, "who is that boy? Motorcycles are horrible! They'll give you herpes! I FORBID WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING! Think of Ike! THIS IS A BAD EXAMPLE!"

_Readers grab their Sheila voo-doo dolls and stab them repeatedly in the eyes_

"B-but Mom, we're just….uh…." Brain blast! "He's new here! Yeah, and, um….I'm taking him to the….library…..to teach him….stuff. Yeah." He looks up at his mother, and hopes she buys it.

_Readers quietly laugh. There is no way she'll ever believe that obvious lie_

"Okay boobalah, I believe you. Be back by 12, but if your late I really won't care. That would ruin any relationships you might be developing with foreigners."

_Readers go into cardiac arrest_

Kyle runs outside and hops onto Christophe's sparkly—er, manly midnight blue motorcycle. He's dressed in a leather

_Cue drooling fangirls_

biker's outfit, and a matching helmet. Safety first, kids!

He hands Kyle a helmet, and they zoom off, but do not get pulled over, even though they are clearly speeding.

After a lack of a paragraph describing the ride, except for a few "Kyle felt adventurous" and "I'm king of the world" type lines, they arrive at the fancy-schmants restaurant.

They remove their helmets, and their hair has stayed absolutely perfect, as are their outfits. As they walk inside, Christophe is greeted by the employees. He must come here a lot!

_Readers wonder who he comes with. But they doubt the authoress thought that statement through, and there is probably no follow-up on that_

The next paragraphs would describe Kyle glancing longingly at his "date," while Christophe looks at his reflection in the plate to make sure he's still incredibly sexy.

Dinner is now over, and Kyle still hasn't told 'Tophe (I detest that nickname) his true feelings. He opens his mouth to speak, but suddenly he feels his mouth being filled with…a tongue!

_What were YOU thinking of?_

Without skipping a beat, Kyle kisses back, and they snog happily for several minutes. Then Christophe pulls himself away, and states, "I love you."

Kyle squeals happily, and readers are pleased, because they think the dreadful story is over. Oh no, not yet, dear readers. There's still the Horribly Described Sex Scene.

_Readers new to the slash genre giggle and blush. Those of us who have followed a link to a place called "Adult Fanfiction" expected this, and know the horrendously described scenes to come_

The Mole and Kyle are at Kyle's house, and his mother does not notice the walls shaking and the screams and moans coming out of her son's room. She thinks he must be studying.

_I assure you, dear readers, that if I could actually write a smutty sex scene well I would, but I cannot. Not a serious one, anyway. So you'll have to use your imaginations. Let me just say that it involves a crowbar, super glue, sparklers, and vegetable oil. Lots and lots of vegetable oil._

Kyle and Christophe happily rest in each other's arms, and are thinking very pleasant thoughts. But Kyle just HAS to spoil the mood, with all of his "Let's talk" nonsense.

"Let's talk," Kyle says. Christophe frowns.

"But why, mon amore?" he asks innocently.

_Readers wonder why the only pet name Christophe can come up with is "Mon amore." They thought he was more creative than that. That's what they get for thinking_

"I wanna tell my mom, 'Tophy. If we want this to be an official relationship, we have to let her know," he explains. Christophe gasps.

"But she hates me! She doesn't like motorcycles, remember?" Yes, Christophe, she dislikes you because of the motorcycle. Not because you slept with her son, just because of the motorcycle.

"P-please?" he asks. Christophe sighs. Kyle's so persuasive!

"Fine. I'll tell her." Kyle cheers!

"Yay! C'mon, let's tell her now!" He jumps up and grabs Christope's wrist, and they run down the stairs wearing nothing but towels.

_Readers are about to ask why they didn't get dressed first, but are silenced by spazzing fangirls. He's still hot and French, remember?_

They reach the kitchen, and Sheila looks up, startled by the hot French guy standing half-naked in the doorway with her son.

Suddenly, she recognizes him. "Kyle! That's the boy with the motorcycle! Why is he naked in our house? This is not Desperate Housewives, young man!"

Kyle wraps his arms around Christophe, somehow still keeping the towel up, and pouts. "But Mother, I love him! I WANT TO BEAR HIS CHILDREN!"

_With that WONDERFUL ARGUMENT put up by Kyle, (He's so persuasive!) Sheila accepts that it was SO much more than just sex, and they are destined to be together. So they all go to Canada and get married (It's legal there, you see), and they meet Terrance and Phillip and go on all sorts of wacky adventures, possibly stopping another hostile takeover of Canada by our favorite gay dictator. Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and everyone else in South Park are never spoke of again.

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This chapter turned out a lot better then I thought it would. Think otherwise? Tell me! Be expecting a Truth or Dare chapter and a Kyle/Cartman (The All-Powerful Brat Child2 suggested this) chapter coming up. Any more suggestions? Tell me! So review; I really appreciate your feedback! Thank-you!


	6. Red Bull and Internet Smut

A/N: Thanks to a suggestion from BratChild2 (Yes, THE BratChild2) this is the Kyle/Cartman cliché. Personally, I don't like this pairing, and I have NO IDEA how people came up with it….I'm more of a Kyle/Stan person….ANYWAY, this is my mocking of it…if you like this pairing, I am terribly sorry. I do not mean to offend any of you.

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**Chapter 6, A.K.A. Kyle realizes that his hatred of Cartman is actually love**

It's a beautiful morning in South Park. The perfect day to run outside and throw rocks at passing cars. Sadly, our boys are waiting for the bus to South Park High, and a certain Jew and fatass are arguing yet again.

The so-called "argument" basically consists of a few generic insults, with more emphasis on the long stares the two gave each other. There might even be a "fight" scene, but that usually comes later, when the authoress is running out of ideas.

_Readers skim over the bus stop scene, because they only want to see Cartman realize his true feelings and love for Kyle, and they care nothing for actual plot. They want their smut, dammit!_

At school, Cartman passes many notes to Kyle, depicting what a fag he obviously is.

"Hey Kyle," Cartman hisses during some unimportant class, "Hehe, look at this, Kyle….it's you, getting beaten up by ME! HA! 'Cause you're weak, and a fag….faggy faggy fag-fag!"

These mind-numbingly brilliant insults cause Kyle to burst into tears, and run screaming from class.

Nobody notices.

_Readers wonder why Kyle receives so little attention in school, and why, if Cartman is hissing so loud, no one notices him. The teacher must be mentally handicapped_

As Kyle runs from the class, flailing his arms around and screaming through the hallway, Cartman is struck by an over-powering sense of…..guilt? Yes, Eric Theodore Cartman feels guilty.

_Readers choke on their soda and gum in complete and utter surprise. Cartman? Guilty? Surely they must be mistaken!_

Cartman is deeply confused at this new emotion. Why would he feel bad for a scrawny, stupid, cute, annoying…wait…..did he just think cute? HE MUST HAVE THE AIDS!

Thinking quickly, he comes up with a brilliant diversion so he can go find Kyle.

"You're a big fat stupid bitch, hoe!" he screams up at the teacher. Then he points to Craig, who the teacher promptly yells at. Snickering happily, he scampers out of the room to find his beloved Jew.

_Note: Kyle must be reffered to as "Kyle", "Jew", or "The smarter of the boys" at all times. Why? Shut up, that's why_

Kyle, being the smarter of the boys (so original), had found an INGENIOUS hiding location: the janitors closet. I mean, c'mon, who ever checks _there_?

"I pity myself!" he sobs. "Angst emo angsty angst angst emo angst!" He's so misunderstood!

_Readers have a mental image of goth Kyle. They decide no more Red Bull before bed_

Suddenly, Cartman barges in. Kyle is shocked. He did not hear Cartman's massive form thundering through the hallways, or the banging on the door and the frantic calls of "KYLE!". That would make too much sense.

"Oh Kyle," says Cartman, beginning his Heroic Speech, "I'm so sorry I offended you with my racial slurs and rude remarks! The truth is…..I love you!"

_Readers silently curse their love of Red Bull and internet smut_

Kyle stops crying and looks up. His beautiful emerald eyes (They have to be emerald. Always) shining with tears. "Oh Eric! I love you too!"

Cartman beams and glomps the little Jew, and some extremely graphic tonsil hockey ensues.

The rest of the day consists of Kyle and Cartman forgetting any past argument they ever had, and instead feeling each other up in the hallways, and they even give each other cutsie nicknames.

'I wuv you, snookums," Kyle purrs as he hugs Cartman happily. Cartman pets his hair and kisses his forehead.

_Readers have just died a little inside_

But alas, there is a problem! For you see, Stan and Kenny know nothing of this forbidden relationship. What to do?

Several long and boring paragraphs depicting the severe problem later…….

Kyle and Cartman held hands and walkied into the cafeteria. Openly gay in public, they must be mad!

But they enter the cafeteria anyway, despite the ominous music playing in the background. Everyone stops talking as they watch the pair cross the room and walk to a conveniently placed microphone.

"Attention everyone," says Kyle, "Snookums and I have an announcement to make. We are ……gay." A collective gasp fills the room.

"Let's mock and pelt fruit at them to express our confused teenage feelings!" someone shouts.

"WAIT!" screams Stan. "Kyle…..Snookums…..I understand, and I fully support your relationship."

Kenny stands up. "Me too. I'm bi, with, like, everyone, so it's cool." He pinches Butters butt to express his point.

Next Craig stands, followed by Tweek, Clyde, Pip, and a number of other students, all of them expressing their horniness. Oops, I mean gayness…..or both. Whatever.

Slowly, someone starts a clap. Soon there is thunderous applause, and everyone is happy. Smiling, Kyle kisses Cartman on the mouth, and all is right with the world.

_Basicallly, everyone is bi, and they have lots of orgies together. They go to pride parades, eat ice cream, and watch Terrance and Phillip……everything worked out good for once. Until the male pregnancies began…but that's a story for another day.

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Like it? Hate it? Adore it? Please tell me! I really appreciate your reviews; you guys seriously make me laugh, blush, stare confused at the screen….um, yes, please review! All ideas are appreciated and will most-likely be used! Thanks!


	7. Here, have some Kenny

AN: YES I UPDATED. Sorry it took so long….hopefully you all don't hate me too much

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Chapter 7, A.K.A. The Randomly Kenny-Based Fic with Absolutely no Plot Whatsoever**

It's very early in the morning, and our young hero is trying to sleep peacefully after a night of hard partying. His father, however, has different plans.

_Readers know what those "different plans" are, because they've seen it a thousand times before_

In the canon show, Kenny's dad is merely a drunk who occasionally beats up his wife. But in the fanfiction world, we are led to believe that Stewart, because he is poor, also wails on his children. He also rapes them, forces them into prostitution, calls them unpleasant names, and gives them no lunch money.

So Stewart barges into Kenny's room, drunk, as usual. He stumbles over to the bad, and hits Kenny on the head with a large bottle of rum.

"Hey, uh….kid…..get up." Poke. "Yer brother needs food 'n Poke. "Gettup." Poke. Poke.

After this UNBELIEVEBLY RUDE awakening, Kenny rubs his eyes and sits up. He looks over and sees his father, looking very angry. "But father!" he cries, "I was having a most pleasant dream! Please allow my poor, under-nourished body time to rest! I beg of you!"

_Readers wonder why Kenny is suddenly speaking like Pip_

Stewart just mumbles and blindly swings his arms around, as he staggers out of the room, leaving Kenny to start his horrible day.

_Readers know his day will be horrible because he is poor, and that is reason enough_

First, he grabs some hair gel (the cheap dollar-store kind that gives you herpes) and applies it to his hair.

_Although he is smelly and has not bathed for several weeks, fangirls still swoon over the human sex God_

After finishing his sex-locks©, he moves on to his favorite part of the day……getting dressed.

_Cue moronic drooling and staring at groin_

He removes his shirt, revealing rippling muscles.

_Of course malnourished people have muscles. Stop being so stupid_

After examining his fuckability in the mirror, he drops his pants (Can you say "bulge"?) and finally….his boxers.

_Warning: Viewing the genitals of Kenny McCormick will make all other genitals appear disfigured and strangely disappointing_

Kenny now begins making love to himself.

_It's what God would want him to do_

After enjoying a good morning self-blow-job, Kenny now skips happily to the bus stop to join his friends/butt-buddies. Cartman nods at his "friend" while secretly getting a mind erection. Kyle is reading a book, because he is a Jew, and that's what they do. Stan is, um…jocking…..or something. The audience doesn't care; they just want Kenny to strip.

_Shouts of "spring break" and "take it off!" can be heard_

Insert depressing bus ride speech about how Kenny will never find true love and has syphilis again

We arrive at school, where Kenny jay-walks up to his bitches. They be wantin' they money, but they be his boos so he don't want none of that, 'aight?

_Spell check just committed suicide_

"Hey boo," Kenny says as he fluffs his pimp jacket (It was there the whole time, kay?) and grips his jeweled cane. "Kiss my sexy chest." And it is kissed. It is kissed by everyone. In fact, kissing his chest turns into a contest to see who kisses it the best.

Mr. Garrison wins.

_I REGRET NOTHING_

For the rest of the day, Kenny just masturbates (with enthusiastic applause) and writes beautiful poetry. His soul is tortured or something…..I dunno. But he writes. Oh, how he writes……

_So Kenny and his hoes live happily ever after in the land of semen and candy shops (Like the song, retards). Until he gets shot by Homicidal Butters© in one of his death rampages. From then on he's Satan's bitch.

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Please review! It makes my brain smile


	8. Who needs logic, anyway

A/N: Another chapter? YES. This one knocks Tweek/Craig and Male Pregnancy off my to write list for this fic. Also, the reviews I get keep getting better and better! It makes writing this thing fun. Well, I hope you guys like it!

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Craig is sitting in his living room, playing video games with his chums while his parents are out getting a back-alley abortion. Again.

_"Chums" must always refer to Craig, Tweek, Clyde, and Token. Always_

Clyde conveniently goes to get chips. We never see him again.

_Readers don't care. THEY WANT SEX, DAMMIT_

"Hey Tweek" says Craig, as he scoots closer. "Do you suck dick?"

_Readers swoon at Craig's gift with words_

Tweek blushes and stares at the floor. Oh, how does he know my TERRIBLE SECRET, he thinks. He glances back at Craig, grinning like the horndog he is.

_Readers drool. Sex is coming, they can feel it_

Gulping, he turns to face Craig. "Yes, Craig….I do suck dick……and I wanna suck yours!"

Token continues to watch football.

Craig's eyes widen and he grins like a madman. Suddenly, a sly look appears on his face. "Hey Tweeky……want me to sex you up?"

Tweek, the shy little scamp, blushes and smiles tenderly. "Yessssss pleeeassssssseeee……"

Much humping ensues.

_Cheers erupt from the audience at the expectance of a GRAPHIC AND HIGHLY DISTURBING lemon. Sadly, they forget that the authoress is 14 and a female, and therefore has not seen two guys being butt buddies before. Though she wishes she has. The following scene goes like this:_

Tweek gets ass-rammed and love juice is everywhere. Craig makes grunty noises. Tweek makes whimpery noises. Token clicks the remote buttons and wipes cum off his forehead.

After a few hours of this, our heroes collapse from lack of energy onto the couch and cuddle, there pants around there ankles, until they drift peacefully off to sleep.

_Insert "Awwwwww"_

A few hours later, Craig's parents return from Rape Blvd. and notice something awry in the force.

They stare at their naked son and his (ZOMGSEXY) friend snoring peacefully on the couch, and it hits them. Two boys……naked…on a couch…..covered in a sticky white substance (Cottage cheese, they presumed)…….it can only mean one thing.

_Cue slow-motion_

"FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGG!" screams Mr. Craig's Dad, and Mrs. Craig's Mom drops a bag of Trojan's on the floor with an ear-splenching "Sploooooooosh."

_End slow-motion _

Craig awakes with a start, subconsciously gripping the inside of Tweek's thigh as he blinks himself awake. "M-mom? D-dad? What's going---"

His father sputters and spit flies everywhere. "You and Tweek? BUTT-BUDDIES! Not under MY roof!" He screams and yanks Tweek up. The blonde whimpers.

"Noooooo!" screams Craig. His cries are in vain, and Tweek is thrown, naked, from the house and out into the snow.

_Tweek in pain? OH GOD NO_

Much Craig-angst ensues.

_Readers sigh as Craig begins his angsty monologue. They thought that he was supposed to be….oh, I dunno…….more fun than an emo. They are wrong_

"Tweek, my love, my darling, my stud muffin…..WHY GOD WHY!"

_Smart ass readers respond with "'Cause God hates you." They are shot_

After a few more moments of screams and angsty emo tears, Craig goes to his room and cries himself to sleep, ignoring the fact that HIS DARLING TWEEKERS is right outside the window, and if you missed the subtle message, THEY'RE LOVERS NOW.

So. Craig sleeps sexily, and Tweek wanders home, where we are treated to a description of his parents violently abusing him because he's all twitchy.

_No, really, how come in every fic Tweek's parents always abuse him?_

"You suck, son," says his loving father.

His mother nods her head. "Yeah, you really suck. We hate your lifestyle. Well, we WILL, as soon as you come outta that fucking closet you're in." His father takes this moment to chime in.

"Yeah, gay people suck. Hehe, get it?" They laugh, crushing Tweek's hopes and dreams of a happy life with Craig. OH WOE IS HE. So woe is he that he runs up the stairs and his parents are never heard from again.

_Yeah, they exist solely for the purposes of: Raping Tweek, dying, or saying hurtful things to the elderly_

Insert romantic paragraph about how Tweek and Craig fell asleep at the same time and want to start a deep, meaningful relationship

The next day, Craig wakes up and goes downstairs, and….dun dun dun…….finds that HIS FOLKS IS DEAD OMIGOSHNO.

_The authoress is running put of ideas. Get ready for some serious bull shit_

"OMIGOSHNO!" he gasps. "Who did this convenient deed?" a plate clatters to the floor, and he turns to see…….Damien!

_On a side note: Damien is sex on legs. Just had to say that_

The Anti-Christ waves. "Yo."

Craig, confused, inquires as to why his parents are dead, since Butters is in rehab for the whole killing people thing and couldn't have any part in this.

"Oh, that, well, after learning that your folks don't appreciate penis-on-penis action, my Dad, SATAN THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS, got all pissed in Hell

_Young Christian readers scream and go pray_

and told me to kill yours and Tweek's parents. Well, he didn't tell me to, he just said that it's a shame he couldn't watch you guys have STEAMY GRAPHIC SEX from Hell. I just like killing things."

Craig nods. "I understand. Now, if you will please go, I have blood to clean. PLZNTHNK."

Damien turns and heads for the door, but momentarily pauses. "One more thing. I screwed up time and space yesterday, and now your booty call is preggers. Good luck with that." He runs away before he gets plates thrown at him.

Craig is shocked. Sooooooooo shocked. Like, really, REALLY shocked. But strangely happy……HE'S GONNA BE A DADDY!

_Insert more sickening "Awwwwwwww"s_

Later that day, Tweek shows up, now with a giant pregnant belly, despite the fact that a day has barely passed, and waddles up to Craig. They embrace warmly, but don't screw 'cause the baby will turn into more of a freak than it already will be.

_Not because it has two dad's (I want two gay dads, actually), but because coming out someone's ass can't be fun_

"Let's go furniture shopping!" gushes Tweek. Craig smiles and grabs his hand, and they wander off to….Home Depot.

_So Tweek and Craig have two beautiful baby girls named Toasty and Amanda. They move to a magical house on a giant freaky hill, and have loads more babies. And Damien continues to kill people, frees Butters from the mental home, and they become butt buddies. Satan masturbates to Tweek/Craig sex in Hell. And all is right with the world.

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Like? Love? Despise? Review and tell me! And as always, ideas are much appreciated. Thanks!


	9. Behold the Mpreg

Senseless Rambling: Sweet Moses, has it really been so long since I've updated? I figured it was safe to come out of hiding and update, since the violent e-mails from authors here have diminished in supply, and I require new hurtful insults to sustain my life force. And souls. I could always use more souls.

Right, so, this chapter is basically summing up mpregs (Male Pregnancy), seeing as how there has been a disturbing increase in these. Don't get me wrong, they can be pretty funny, but when the author tries to make it serious….well, then it's my job to step in and mock it with my not-funny humor.

I love Stan/Kyle, do not flame me for that, plznthnx. Now read, and please keep any biological weapons away from me, I don't want your filthy germs.

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**Ch. 9, A.K.A. If you have a you-know-what you can still get knocked up**

It was a dark and stormy—wait, no, dark and SEXY night in South Park, specifically in the bedroom of young Stanley Marsh. The raven-haired boy was nibbling (GRAPHIC, SO GRAPHIC) on the neck of his Jewish lover---

_Ike? Gerald? Some OTHER Jewish person besides the obviously clichéd one we know is coming?_

---Kyle Broflovski.

_Readers impale themselves_

"OH STANLEY! LET'S HAVE SEX! HOT, GRAPHIC, CATHOLIC-ON-JEW SEX!" screamed Kyle.

_Wait, they're in bed together and they HAVEN'T had sex? Why are their clothes off, then? And how come no one can hear the screaming?_

Stan drooled, but suddenly, his empty jock-skull (Football players have no IQ) had a pure thought.

"Kyle…..are you sure? WHAT ABOUT SAVING OURSELVES FOR OUR HIP, FASHIONABLE GAY WEDDING?"

Kyle stared at him. "Stan…gay marriage isn't legal in the U.S."

_GOLLY GEE KYLE SURE IS SMART_

Stan blinked as the goblins in his head processed this information. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that words are annoying and there was a naked kid in front of him.

"Sex?" he asked. Kyle nodded.

"Yes, Stan. Sex." Stan squealed and much humping ensued.

This would be where some cheesy love-song lyrics would be inserted, because the authoress, despite being in her early teens and having only experienced lust, knows what true love is. WHY DIDN'T CODY EVER RETURN HER CALLS? IT WAS ALL THAT STUPID BRITNEY'S FAULT…..Ahem. So. Song lyric time.

AND IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU

Song time over. It is now early morning, and birds sing, possibly frolicking among the branches whilst awaiting death by global warming.

_The readers who survived the screeching death ballet of lyrics that is a Celine Dion song are now awaiting the Authoress telling her audience that gay sex is wrong_

Gay sex is not wrong.

_Several male readers leave. The remaining readers await the Authoress explaining the values of safe sex_

Safe sex is for pussies.

_Readers decide to just fuck it_

BACK TO THE STORY

Kyle awoke bright and early (Smart people wake up early, remember?) and stared lovingly at his boyfriend's sleeping form next to him. Suddenly, his warm and happy feeling disappeared as it was replaced by another feeling…morning sickness.

"LIKE IMMA GONNA PUKE," screamed the red-head as he ran for nearest available exit….the window.

_FACE PALM_

"Kyle vomited out the window, and the force of the vomit killed Kenny as he passed by, on his way to his morning visit to Raisins.

_Logic is dead and gone, people. It died with its life partner, Common Sense, many moons ago_

Kyle burped, and the noise of that TREMENDOUS BELCH woke him up.

"WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE ARE MY PANTS?" Kyle glanced at the screaming jock.

"Stan, I have morning sickness and my stomach feels weird. I think we should go to the doctor."

Stan blinked. "Why me? BITCH, I AIN'T YO DADDY." He snapped his fingers for dramatic effect.

"PLEEEEEEEAAAAASE? I WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME BECAUSE I LOVE JOOOOO," he cooed with large juppy-eyes.

_Jew plus Puppy equals Juppy SHUT UP_

With that COMPLETELY CONVINCING argument, Stan and Kyle hotwired—er, borrowed Randy's car and headed for the South Park Hospital. Oh, and you can be sure they had lots of sex on the way there.

_FACE PALM. AGAIN_

After parking the GropeMobile in the Handicapped Parking Space (STAN'S A REBEL), they rushed inside and suddenly appeared in the doctor's office like, 4 floors up. HOW THEY GOT THERE SO FAST MATTERS NOT. We just have to experience the Terrible Shock.

The doctor waddled (I need sleep) up to Kyle and examined him. "Hmmm….Something appears to be wrong with this teenager….I'm going to have to examine him further in the back room. The dark, secluded back room. With the door locked."

The boys saw no problem with this.

_Readers would face palm, but their skulls have already burst open from the force of their previous face-palming_

Several gropes and awkward noises later, Mr. Pedophile Doctor and Kyle emerged from the back room.

"I have some bad news," said Mr. Pedophile Doctor. Kyle clutched his lover's shirt and whimpered.

Stan broke the Dramatic Silence. "Is it testicle cancer? PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT TESTICLE CANCER. 'Cause if somethin' happens to his you-know-what, I'm totally out of here. I'm just in it for the sex, man."

Everyone laughed heartily. Stan is so sweet and retarded!

_Readers bang their heads' on the keyboard furiously. The fic is loosing more and more intellect by the second_

"No, no," chuckled Mr. Pedophile Doctor (I'm getting sick of typing that) "Kyle is simply pregnant."

_The audience is now completely certain that the authoress is indeed on crack_

Kyle squealed happily. "OH STAN! IMMA GONNA BE A MOMMA!"

Stan promptly passed out.

SEVERAL UNCONCIOUS HOURS LATER…..

Stan and Kyle are now back in Stan's room, and the GropeMobile is….not. Yeah. So. Our two lovebirds are now stuck with the issue of telling their parents, and their friends, of Kyle's little bundle of gayness. Luckily for them, there is a conveniently timed Block Party that every person who ever visited South Park at any time ever is required by law to attend.

Instead of using intelligent dialogue to pass the time before the Block Party, we're just gonna ignore all aspects of logic and say that it is now like, 8 pm or something. Whenever Block Parties are held, that's what time it is.

_The Authoress is not very popular and has therefore never been to a Block Party_

The party was huge, and people were crowded into every available surface of South Park. Everyone was there!

_The Audience knows everyone is there, because the Authoress told them everyone would be about four paragraphs ago. They forget she's on crack and therefore has no idea what she's typing. She believes she is in Epcot right now_

Stan gripped Kyle's hand and they maneuvered through the crowds together, searching for the stage. Yep, you guessed it! They were going to announce to everyone that Kyle was pregnant!

Several paragraphs depicting Kyle vomiting on Kenny and killing him again later…..

They reached the stage and climbed up, grabbing the microphone. Nobody made even a remote attempt to stop them from rushing the stage, because Kyle is pregnant and pregnant people are allowed to do whatever they want.

"Attention everyone!" Stan said, grabbing the crowds…attention (Note to self: Buy a thesaurus). "I, Stanley Marsh, have an announcement to make." He paused here for dramatic effect, causing the heads of several members of the GINORMOUS CROWD to explode in anticipation.

"Kyle Broflovski, MY HOMOSEXUAL LOVER, is pregnant…WITH OUR LOVE CHILD LIKE WOAH." The crowd gasped.

Randy Marsh, a geologist and therefore an expert on pregnancies, spoke up. "BUT, HOW CAN SOMEONE WITH A YOU-KNOW-WHAT GET PREGNANT?"

Someone else jumped up on stage and grabbed the mic. "I can answer that," came the voice of Damien, South Park's favorite (ONLY) Anti-Christ.

_The readers vaguely recall Damien explaining the TweekCraig pregnancy earlier, so they assume he is a Doctor. Not because he's Doctor-worthy, just because they think he'd look hot in the outfit_

"Kay, so, I was like, screwing that blonde kid Pip earlier, and I busted up time and space or some shit. I dunno. But anyways, it is now possible for men to get pregnant, which would explain why my Father, SATAN THE ÜBER GAY PRINCE OF DARKNESS, is pregnant."

"Satan's gay?" Cartman wondered in astonishment. The entire crowd face-palms.

_Cartman has just hit a new low of retardation_

"THAT EXPLAINS IT," screeched Kyle, as he jumped into Stan's arms for a kiss.

_The Audience "awwws" and vomit onto the computer screen_

_So Stan and Kyle have their baby, and name it "Style." STAN PLUS KYLE EQUALS STYLE LAWL I'M SO CLEVER. Anywho, Style becomes some sort of genius and marries Ike, because Ike isn't REALLY his uncle so it's legal but still really creepy. Cartman, after learning the gayness of Satan, goes on a spiritual journey and becomes a Monk, and later becomes a Pimp, thus making him the world's first Mimp. And Damien goes on many magical adventures explaining to gay men why they're suddenly shitting out kids.

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Like? Love? Hate? Review and tell me! Seriously, your reviews sustain me. LOVE AND RAINBOWS!


	10. IKE IS A STUPID STUPID HOR

Pointless Noise: Greetings my loves. Your reviews have been so inspiring; really, I had no idea that many of you sick perverts were out there. Thanks for giving me a reason to lock my door at night.

'Kay, so, I've been seeing a lot of "IKE HAS SEX WITH HIS BROTHER BUT HE'S ADOPTED SO IT'S OKAY" stories popping up, so I thought I'd parody that. Oh, and "hor" is intentional spelling. Really, I'm not that stupid.

AND NOW FOR THE BRAIN DAMAGE

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**Ch. 10 A.K.A. Ike has sex with his brother but he's adopted so it's okay but still kind of creepy**

Young Ike Broflovski awoke with a start. He really needed some of that sweet white stuff—

_NOT THAT YOU PERVERTS_

--milk. He needs milk because if he didn't need milk, then there will be no reason for him to get up and wander around the house at three in the morning.

As he tiptoed through the hallway, he passed his brother's room and heard some…noises.

_Readers scream for Ike to go back to bed, because they read in the summary that this was a slash fic and that Ike was a major character, and they are now slowly beginning to realize that the Authoress does not care about statutory rape laws_

He peeked through the cracked door, and noticed that the bed was shaking. He looked further in, and saw—

_LA LA LA LA LA LA **I CAN'T HEAR YOU** LA LA LA_

--Kyle and Stan making sweet, sweet love. Not the married kind, the hot kind with no condoms.

_THIS IS SO WRONG. **SO. WRONG.**_

"OMG YESS LIK UR HAWT LOLOLOLOL" Kyle cried in chat-speak, as he clutched Stan's hair.

_I know that's how I always talk whenever I'm having underage sex_

"SHUT UP HOR"

Ike guffawed (View my spectacular use of alliteration) as he witnessed the teenage baby-making. Then, slowly but surely, he began to realize something.

_Readers begin to load their assault rifles_

Kyle and Stan were, well, they were kind of…dare he say it?

_HE BEST DARE NOT_

They were kind of…hot. So hot, in fact, that HE wanted in on the sex. He decided he'd work out this problem in the morning, and with that TOTALLY BRILLIANT mental note, he skee-daddled back to bed.

_What, no milk?_

--CUT TO THE MORNING OF AWKWARD CONFRONTATION—

As Ike sat with Kyle watching Saturday morning cartoons, a tradition since they were little, he decided to address the issue. He took a deep breath and began.

"Kyle…last night I saw you and Stan doing the Freak McNasty AND I WANT IN DAMMIT. Figuratively AND literally.

_Sexual innuendo makes me smile_

"YOU CANNOT DO THE FREAK MCNASTY WITH ME AND STAN YOU FILTHY HOR."

"…I'll bring lube." Kyle pondered this for a moment.

"'Kay."

_Readers decide that they will NEVER EVER adopt Canadian children_

Ike cheered. "Yay!"

_Ever_

---CUT TO THE SCHOOL VIA THE USE OF ABSOLUTELY NO SEGWAY WHATSOEVER---

Kyle, having been convinced by Ike's AMAZING USE OF ALLITERATION, now must confront his HOMOSEXUAL LOVER. And he knew, like all of us know, that the only way to convince Stan of anything is to use the promise of sexual relations.

"Stan, if you ever want your RIPPLING MUSCLES to ever touch my FLAWLESS SKIN or LUCIOUS CURLS ever again, you must promise to do the Freak McNasty with me and my brother plzkthnx."

Stan growled. "BUT THAT'S INCEST AND IT'S WRONG AND YOU'RE A STUPID STUPID HOR."

"BUT HE'S BRINGING LUBE AND I HAVE A SUSPICION IT'S FLAVORED."

Stan blinked. "Okay."

_Readers are now violently ill, mentally scarred, and strangely aroused_

We would now be graced with the presence of Stan's mental anguish for several paragraphs. However, the Authoress has no attention span and really wants her dog to stop BARKING IN HER GODDAMN EAR, so we'll just cut to the graphic!sex scene.

The promised night had arrived. Ike began to prepare himself. He pulled out a list of planned sexual…things…to achieve

_What? Don't YOU carry one around?_

on this fateful night. Lube? Check. Football helmet? Check. Cattle prod? Check. IT'S GO TIME.

He walked into his brother's room, trying to keep up his casual persona, but inside he was a nervous wreck.

_REALLY? WHY? All he's doing is COMMITTING A FEDERAL OFFESE, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT_

Kyle beckoned him to the bed as Stan began removing his shirt. Ike gulped.

_Right, so, this is the part where we realize that the Authoress has never had Biology and therefore cannot fathom the human anatomical structure_

THINGS BEGAN BEING INSERTED. Oh, the insertion. There were noises and weird faces and arms were every. Really, you couldn't tell who was who. Soon they were making so much noise that neighbors heard it. Not the parents, though, because that would make too much sense.

_COP-OUT ENDING: So they all realize that orgies are fun and have one every Friday night, but sadly, one night the parents find out and call the police and Stan and Kyle get arrested. Or something. Stan has to share a cell with a guy named Bobo. Ike begins a successful car dealership and has 30 kids who are all AIDs positive BECAUSE THEIR FATHER COMMITTED A FEDERAL OFFENSE and that's what happens to children whose fathers COMMIT FEDERAL OFFENSES. Stan is arrested again for trafficking minors across state lines for sexual purposes, and Kyle never has sex again.

* * *

_

So what did you think? Please review and tell me! I'M SO GOSH-DARN CLOSE TO 200 REVIEWS I CAN SMELL IT. Well, not smell it, but you get the idea.

Also, I'm running out of ideas for chapters, so please tell me what you want to see! I want this thing to continue!


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